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Mitch McConnell Relieved to Learn That the Black-Robed Skeleton He Kept Seeing Wasn’t There For Him

WASHINGTON— Mitch McConnell revealed that he was “relieved” to learn that the specter of death he kept seeing slowly rambling behind him on Capitol Hill in recent weeks wasn’t actually there for him, sources confirmed.

“I told Mr. Boneman that I didn’t care to parlay with him,” said McConnell, while quietly pressing his LifeAlert. “I’ve got a lot to do in my life, but he said ‘Don’t worry, little Addy-Mitch, I’m not here for you today.’ And then he pointed to Dianne. I cannot express the feeling of complete relief that washed over me, and the maniacal grin that spread across my face knowing the Dems will never confirm another federal judge again. And while she and I may have had political disagreements, I think right now it’s important to…”

Still, it would appear that McConnell may not be out of the woods yet, with some still commenting about the Senate Minority Leader’s recent health scares.

“I amn’t come for him yet,” said Death, while pointing to a small keepsake locket with a photo of the Minority Leader. “But that meaneth not that I never shall. I spake with him. Bade him come with me in dignity. He refused. I shall bide my time. All flesh is grass. Both the king and the pawn shall stoop and bow under the blades of the mower. Now if you wilst excuse me, I must perform my daily check on a certain Mr. Kissinger.”

However, Feinstein’s passing did come as a surprise to one person: Dianne Feinstein herself.

“I wasn’t expecting it,” said the late Senator, via a psychic medium. “I mean, one moment you’re this spry young 88-year-old, and the next everyone is rejoicing your death on the Intranet. And the things they’ve been saying about me for the last few years. Ruth Bader Ginsburg stubbornly refuses to retire, then dies under a Republican and completely throws off the gears of Democracy, it’s ‘Oh, let’s put her on a t-shirt! Hashtag girlboss. Hashtag queen!’ Where’s my T-shirt? I was ten times the ‘girl boss’ she was.”

At press time, McConnell was still standing frozen at a podium with a worried look on his face and senate aides were preparing to strap him to a gurney and wheel him back to his office.