RICHMOND, Va. — Members of a new unnamed metal band were forced to watch every episode of the Amazon Prime show “Rings of Power” to find an unused franchise reference as a band name, sources who want their precious confirmed.
“This fucking sucks, all the good Tolkien-themed band names are already taken and now we have to sit through this garbage show to find some new name that hasn’t been used,” said guitarist Kyle Richards. “Those bands in the ‘80s and ‘90s really had it good with all those names like Gorgoroth, Amon Amarth, Nazgul. After watching all these shitty episodes, what are we going to name ourselves? Poppy Proudfoot? The Stranger? We might as well just be a ska band and call ourselves ‘The Tom Bombadils’ and get it over with.”
Other band members say there must be another way for a metal band to find a name that has not been used from the Tolkien Universe.
“There’s gotta be a way we don’t have to keep watching that trainwreck of a show. I mean obviously, we’re not going to go read the books because who has the attention span to even do that anymore but can’t we just look up names on Wikipedia or something?” said singer Rob Lumford. “And like, what is even going on in this show? It’s no mystery who the guy with the gray robes and beard is, that’s obviously Gandalf. And then Sauron, which is another band name that’s already taken, turns out to just be some regular-ass-looking dude. And now there’s a second season of this shit? Fuck!”
Metal historian Brian Merchant says new metal bands are running dangerously low on names pulled from “Lord of the Rings” lore and may be forced to look elsewhere.
“At this point, it seems like all the good Tolkienesque names are already taken and bands might want to think about actually calling themselves something else, possibly from another fantasy-based piece of fiction, or even sci-fi,” said Merchant. “New bands might want to think about ‘Dune’ since there are the movies and a new show coming out. There’s got to be enough evil-sounding names in all that. Otherwise,they’ll have to pick something from ‘Harry Potter,’ but I would only do that as a last resort. No one is going to take you seriously if you call yourself ‘Slytherin.’”
At press time, the band members had decided to look into the world of “Dungeons and Dragons” to find a name, but after two weeks have not yet been able to even figure out how to play the game.