CALHOUN, Ga. — Irate Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene began drafting articles of impeachment against staff at the Applebee’s restaurant when her order didn’t appear in a timely manner, according to nearby diners who just wanted to enjoy their Tex-Mex Shrimp Bowls in peace.
“I was sitting there watching tray after tray of sizzling fajitas go by,” said the still fuming Rep. Greene. “I was like, ‘Where the heck is my fajita? This must be part of some liberal brainwashing agenda to make me starve to death because I was here before those people!’ This Applebee’s is in my district, so I’m basically their queen or whatever. They’re supposed to do what I say. I told the server that this kind of insubordination will not stand, and when she started making excuses, I said I could impeach her if I wanted to. Then the manager came over and asked me to leave, so I said I’d impeach her ass, too. These are the people destroying America.”
Calhoun Applebee’s manager Linda Fleisch says people in her industry are unfortunately used to dealing with unpleasant customers.
“I thought I’d seen it all, but Representative Greene’s behavior was egregious,” said Fleisch while balancing a tray loaded with Blue Bahama Mamas. “We were in the middle of our lunch rush and I heard this commotion. I came out to find that nasty woman berating one of my best servers, saying she was going to bring the full wrath of Congress down on her.’ I bet she didn’t mention that she’d already had two fajitas, did she? Gee, sorry if we don’t give priority to some obnoxious government lackey demanding thirds. If we fired a server whenever some entitled, power-tripping jerk told us to, we’d have no staff.”
Legal scholar Michael Kleinfelder explained that despite Rep. Greene’s theatrical declarations, there is no legal process to impeach private citizens.
“No, you cannot impeach someone just because you don’t like them,” said Kleinfelder while taking an aspirin for his migraine. “That being said, I wouldn’t put it past an unhinged politician like Greene to attempt to make fascistic fantasies such as this a reality. Trump’s presidency demonstrated to the far right that they can exercise and abuse power with impunity. What’s next, the death penalty for making mean memes about Matt Gaetz? Wait, I guess I shouldn’t give those psychopaths any ideas.”
As of press time, Rep. Lauren Boebert introduced a bill which would make using the name “Karen” as a pejorative a felony.