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Man Without Health Insurance Just Going to Give It a Few More Days

ATHENS, Ga. — Local uninsured and ailing man Jordan Cohen announced today that he will “just give it a few more days” before seeking any medical treatment, according to sources close to the invalid.

“Yeah… it’s just a bruise. Whatever,” said Cohen, examining his now multi-colored mosh pit injury between desperate gasps for breath. “I’ve had plenty of pit injuries before. I’m sure my ribs have always made that clicking sound when I breathe in too deep — I’ve just never noticed until now.”

Cohen admitted he’s been bedridden for three days, and can’t stand for longer than two minutes before intense abdominal pain leaves him curled in a fetal position on the floor, begging for the sweet release of death.

“I went to a show recently and collided with a guy in the pit, and he broke his arm. Like, his fucking bone was sticking out,” claimed Cohen. “That guy needed to go to the doctor. But me? I just had to lie down and try to breathe for a while. Sure, I’ve been coughing up blood, but who hasn’t been there? This will clear up by the weekend.”

Gabby O’Brien, Cohen’s longtime girlfriend, privately expressed her concerns.

“Jordan hasn’t slept more than an hour a night since the injury, and he passes out from the pain every time he sneezes. Next time he blacks out, I might just put him in the car and bring him to the emergency room,” said O’Brien while mapping out the quickest route to the hospital. “He thinks doctors are for ‘pussies,’ but if his fever gets any worse, I don’t think he’ll have a chance to recover.”

Cohen’s roommate has allegedly also attempted to persuade Cohen to no avail.

“I can’t even get him to take ibuprofen because he saw some article on Facebook saying it’ll tear up your stomach lining and he doesn’t want to ‘jeopardize his health,’” said Thomas Groth. “I get it, though — I turned 26 last year, and had to get off my mom’s health insurance, so you’ve gotta just try to be better to yourself until you can find a good job or something. Nowadays, I try to only have two drinks a night — that’s why I switched to drinking 40s.”

At press time, Cohen remained optimistic.

“I’ll just see how it feels over the next few days, I guess. As long as the bruise doesn’t get any bigger, I think I’ll be fine. It’s like the opposite of that mole I have on my shoulder — that thing’s been growing for years, but hasn’t caused me any trouble.”