SALT LAKE CITY — Local anarchist Vance Rover, known for carrying a sign reading “Eat The Rich” at every protest in the greater Salt Lake area, admitted today that he’s really dreading the Regis Philbin part of that plan, confused sources report.
“I understand that, when the hour of reckoning comes for the rich, the righteous many will rise up and consume their flesh… but, honestly, gaining sustenance from Regis Philbin sounds just awful,” said Rover. “How old is that dude — like, 90? He’s gotta be all tough and leathery. You’d think a jerky would be the best route with that kind of cut, but I still gag just thinking about it.”
Other local leftists are aware of Rover’s mistake in thinking the phrase “eat the rich” should be taken literally — though, reportedly, none have corrected his line of thinking yet.
“Yeah, man… he just showed up at a chapter meeting one day, going on about how eating people like Regis was going to be this big, disgusting thing, but it would ‘have to be done’ for the greater good,” said community organizer Theresa Sanchez. “No one has the heart to tell this dude we’re not advocating for the cannibalization of the upper class. I think we all just sort of appreciate his enthusiasm, and hope that someone corrects him should the revolution ever come.”
“Shit would get real weird for a lot of people real quick if not,” she added.
Rover himself admitted that, sometimes, to lessen the horror of eating Mr. Philbin, he’ll focus on other, more appetizing members of the elite.
“Even though I know Regis and his wrinkled, haggard body will be the worst thing I’ll consume in my lifetime, I’m still an optimist at heart,” Rover said. “A perfectly seared steak of Kevin James’s leg muscles, or some Terry Crews bicep burgers… those will make the gross, Regis-related sacrifices worth it.”
However, Rover flatly denied rumors that he’s only advocating for an anarchist revolution because of a pre-existing desire to consume human flesh.
“Under any other circumstance, I would never consider eating my fellow man,” Rover said. “But when the time comes, I will be at the head of the dinner table, serving some really fucking dry Regis ribs to my compatriots at the table. That’s literally what anarchism is all about, at the end of the day.”