MINNEAPOLIS — Local highly-observant man Gavin Wells recently started to sincerely wish he was dumb enough to experience genuine happiness, multiple friends confirmed.
“Every day I’m having anxiety attacks from the endless stream of news about mass shootings, Moms For Liberty, and old high school acquaintances trying to trick me into crypto schemes. But I had an epiphany while I was doom scrolling: were I just 10 or 15 IQ points dumber, I might lack the media literacy and common sense to know everything’s fucked,” said Wells. “I’d be so much happier if I liked Top 40 radio and commented on pictures of Instagram models like I had a chance with them. Would it have killed my mom to smoke or drink for a few weeks while I was in utero?”
While most of Wells’ friends encouraged him to not be so hard on himself, others suggested he put the world’s problems out of his mind.
“Gav’s issue is that he needs to just flat out ignore negativity at all costs. The other day he was telling me about how stressed he was over Putin plotting to take over Ukraine, and I was like wait, the guy who’s friends with Steven Segal? Being out of the loop kicks ass, I’m out here living my best life,” said Allen Pierson. “I think all that college learning he did rewired his brain to think too critically. I literally just look at Minions memes all day, those little dudes are hysterical. And if you need someone to quote Ace Ventura with, I’m your guy.”
Researchers who’ve spent decades studying the correlation between intelligence and mood noted the data all pointed to one conclusion.
“There already existed anecdotal evidence that people with lower intelligence were generally happier, and they were referred to as ‘village idiots.’ Today though, willful stupidity is running rampant,” said cultural anthropologist Bryce Townsend. “I mean we’d all love to exist in a frame of mind thinking trickle-down economics works and Vin Diesel is a good actor, but this is the same thinking pattern of people who aren’t alarmed when it’s 70 degrees in January. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous of them, because collecting data on the downfall of society is depressing as hell.”
Wells was reportedly in better spirits after finding that he could replicate the feeling of perpetual blissful ignorance by listening to Theo Vonn podcasts while huffing paint.