RENO, Nev. – Local music fan Roger Dalton remains steadfast in his opinion that Poison’s seminal hit “Talk Dirty to Me” is a “fucking jam” even after a full day of physical and psychological torture by Pitchfork editors, confirmed sources who investigate war crimes.
“I refuse to give in to the notion that ‘Talk Dirty to Me’ is anything other than a lyrical and compositional masterpiece, no matter how hard these fuckers try,” Dalton said while bleeding profusely from the mouth, ears, and toenails. “They’ve beaten me to a pulp, shocked my nuts, and spent hours playing Maneskin at a volume that legitimately made my ears implode, but I will not relent. Poison may across the board be pretty lame, but you cannot deny that song absolutely rips. It’s perfect and these beanie-wearing, Anthony Fantano-worshiping high-horse snobs will get a confession over my dead body. Which is seemingly increasingly likely.”
The Pitchfork editor and interrogation leader known only as Shady was adamant that his acts against the Geneva Conventions were perfectly acceptable and in line with the values of his publication.
“We will not stand for this sort of highly publicized bad taste,” said Shady using the help of a vocal modulator and wearing a Carhartt balaclava. “Poison regularly ranks as the worst of ‘80s dad rock, and my organization is committed to wiping out positive reviews of their work, even if the song in question is the perfect summertime bop. Now if you’ll excuse me, my water is boiling and I have some flesh to melt.”
FBI Hostage Negotiator William McCargo is intimately familiar with the situation happening in Reno.
“I’ve seen these guys’ work before, and it’s always an intensely difficult case to crack,” said McCargo while watching the entrance to the secret underground cave in which the torture was taking place. “To be frank, I had to be put on administrative leave after the last time I ran into the Forkers. I found the corpse of a man on a pike, with the phrase ‘KISS APOLOGIST’ scrawled in blood on the ground. It gave me complex PTSD. Anyway, let’s hope this guy is still alive in there, fighting the good fight.”
At press time, Dalton was in the midst of being rescued by a large group of Gen X dads with barbed wire armband tattoos and persecution complexes.