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Man Risks Lifelong Friendship Over 10 Percent Chance of Getting Laid

HARRISBURG, Pa. — Local man Aaron Garcia risked the loss of a potentially lifelong friendship last night over a nearly immeasurable chance of hooking up with his friend’s ex-girlfriend, disappointed onlookers reported.

“I thought the math was pretty straightforward,” Garcia said in defending his behavior, described by many at Sharkey’s Bar as a “dick move of epic proportions.” “Meredith [Rome] is way out of my league, but she was letting me buy her drinks… and I think she touched my leg on purpose. By my estimation, that gave me about a 10 percent chance of having sex last night.”

“I’ve been friends with Brendan [Young] for 12 years, and the most he’s ever done for me is comfort me through my father’s passing. Sorry, dude — scales are firmly tipped in her favor,” he added.

According to Young, Rome was considered by many onlookers to be “aiight” at 10 p.m., “Cute, but definitely not worth ruining a friendship over” at midnight, and, “Fuck it, I’d give up my firstborn to spend one night with this goddess” at last call.

“Yeah… it’s fucked up that he’s trying to hook up with her, but I’m not surprised. Aaron does this all the time,” Young said while peeling the label off of his beer bottle. “He invites me out for drinks, and everything is cool… until he notices literally any girl. Outside of that, he’s cool. I’m honestly gonna suggest a gay bar next week and just hope no bachelorette parties show up.”

While inexcusable to some, Garcia’s case is not an isolated incident. Evolutionary psychologists have studied this phenomenon from as far back as the bar’s lunch rush.

“Human males have shown this kind of behavior since the dawn of civilization,” Dr. Charles Rovero said between drinking Irish car bombs. “Since the development of agriculture, social dominance has replaced physical dominance as a primary strategy to attract a mate. In our modern society, the most common way to do this is to like every photo the ex-girlfriend of a good friend posts on Instagram, before sending various emojis via her DMs.”

Dr. Rovero then dismissed himself, sac-tapping one of his fellow researchers on his way to approach an attractive woman who reportedly had no interest in talking to him whatsoever.