ALLENTOWN, Penn. — Local millennial and general fiend for nostalgia Andy Bellener recently rigged up a tiny curtain that goes around his personal computer to simulate the device used to hide the pornography section seen at many independent video stores growing up, several perverts report.
“I’ll always remember being a little kid at Sunshine Video and sneaking a peek into the ‘forbidden room’ filled with stuff my brothers and I definitely shouldn’t have been seeing while my parents fought over which Ben Stiller movie they were going to rent,” Bellener explained. “I want to recreate that feeling of excitement. I’ve been so damaged by my access to porn that I’m afraid I don’t feel much of anything anymore. But peeking at it on my laptop through a little crack in the curtain takes me back to a simpler time!”
Andy’s wife Sara Bellener isn’t quite as enthusiastic about the idea of the sleazy curtain and is concerned about how it’s affecting their marriage.
“At first, I thought it was pretty funny and a little bit charming, really. But now it’s hindering our marriage in more ways than one,” Sara Bellener said, adding she believes the curtain has turned her husband into a video store fetishist. “Andy says outright that he can’t perform unless I pop popcorn in the microwave and let it sit there for 6 hours, or unless I rub myself down with old VHS in order to take on their ‘sexy musty odor.’ I just want that idiotic curtain out of my house and my husband back.”
VHS collector Daniel Linholm talks about the wave of video store nostalgia affecting the lives of millennials every day.
“The longing for the days of the mom-and-pop video shop is higher than ever, and that means more and more couples are dealing with the affliction,” Linholm said. “Returning food to grocery stores to avoid late fees, remembering to rewind after unwinding after a long day, and even just renting cars randomly just for that nostalgic feeling of trust you’d get from video store owner to customer. And it’s all tearing young couples apart at an alarming rate.”
At press time, Mr. Bellener was seen cleaning out the disgusting contents some neighborhood kids left in the “dropbox” he had built for his front yard.