Man Foolishly Believes He’s Hit Rock Bottom

BOSTON — Local man Brian Keller reportedly believes he’s hit rock bottom despite not altering a single aspect of his self-destructive behavior or circumstances, sources confirmed.

“It’s time to turn things around,” Keller quietly mumbled to himself in the mirror as if he were in a biopic watched by millions and not a middle-aged man alone in his apartment immediately returning to the same decision-making that got him here in the first place. “All I need is just one thing to go my way. I am confident this is a meaningful turning point in my life. Starting Monday, or next month, I’m going to get my act together. Until then, I’m going to get hammered at a Chili’s and do some coke off the baby changing station in the restroom.”

Former college roommate Pamela Dupont said Keller may be confusing the act of declaring a turning point with actually making one.

“Honestly, Brian does this kind of thing every couple of months or so,” Dupont said of the man who is currently taking four times the recommended dose of a friend’s medication so he can focus on reinvesting in the crypto markets that crippled him financially while sipping a sixth low-calorie beer in his effort to lose weight. “He’ll make some announcement that he’s hit rock bottom or whatever, post something vague on Instagram about his ‘winter arc,’ and then a week or two later he’s sending me unprompted Venmo requests for God knows what. I mean, he’s nice enough, and I’ve known him too long at this point to just ‘cut him out of my life,’ but I haven’t responded to one of his texts in years.”

Keller’s therapist, Alisha Stewart, suggested the issue stems from a child-like misunderstanding of what the phrase “rock bottom” actually means.

“Admitting you’ve hit rock bottom actually involves a sustained recognition that your behavior is destructive and a genuine commitment to change,” Stewart said as Keller watched his Kalshi, DraftKings, and GGPoker funds disappear. “Hitting rock bottom does not, in fact, mean continuing the same fuckwad-dumbshit-self-destructive-asocial-asshat behavior that has made everyone you’ve ever known wish you would just fucking die already.”

At press time, Keller was reportedly celebrating the start of this new chapter with a trip to the cash-for-plasma center.