JERSEY CITY, NJ – Realizing her relationship was not working out, local woman Cynthia Jefferson decided to utilize her boyfriend’s generic barcode tattoo to cash him in for store credit.
“I was going to break up with him in a normal way,” said Jefferson of Justin Lang, her boyfriend of nearly six months. “But whenever I want to get rid of something that still has a tag on it, I try to at least get something back for it.”
Jefferson reportedly tried Costco, but despite the store’s extensive database of customer purchases, the cashiers were not able to find a human man in their sales history. “She tried to say he was a gift, but we haven’t had this model in years,” stated the clerk. “I told her to try Walmart; I am pretty sure they sell humans.”
Though Costco declined the questionably ethical return, Jefferson was undeterred and continued to try her luck at some other nearby stores. The local Target rejected the transaction, as they reportedly informed Jefferson they “could not possibly take back merchandise in such terrible condition.”
“J.C. Penney also turned me down,” Jefferson remarked disappointedly. “They said they couldn’t do anything without a receipt.”
After a while, Lang jumped on board with what he figured was an elaborate scavenger hunt or game.
“When we left J.C. Penney I thought it had to be some sort of surprise or something that all of my friends were in on. My birthday’s coming up, so it made sense,” said Lang excitedly. “But we passed right by Spencer’s Gifts and Zumiez without going in, so I don’t know. I hope this doesn’t suck.”
Jefferson’s final stop at Nordstrom ultimately proved successful, as their notoriously lax policy on returns allowed for the borderline human trafficking she was looking for.
“Nordstrom has the best return policy. They scanned him right in, no questions asked, and gave me a gift card for 25 bucks,” Jefferson said exuberantly, watching as her boyfriend was led dumbfounded to the men’s department.
Though Lang was originally upset about being returned to a store he wasn’t even purchased from in the first place, he claims it was a blessing in disguise. He’s made a number of barcode tattooed friends in the men’s department who have also been exchanged.
UPDATE: Jefferson has used her store credit on two 12-packs of socks. They’re light blue.
Article by Greg McGonagle @gregmcgonagle. Photo by Dean Drobot.