ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Lakewood Insurance employee Derrick Glover reportedly called his boss this morning to ask (since he can really do everything he does in the office from home anyways) if he could just cry in a bathroom remotely today.
“It’s just so easy to work from home these days,” said Glover, a disheveled man in his 30s who simply couldn’t handle staring at his sad, aging face in the mirror while putting on a tie this morning. “All of the data I work with is on the cloud, I can use a remote desktop to access the programs I need, and I have my own bathroom at home to silently weep in during my 30-minute lunch period.”
Glover allegedly mentioned in the brief, awkward conversation with his boss, Carla Kraushaar, that he was “feeling a little under the weather” — an excuse that would have easily justified Glover taking one of his 10 full sick days — but, sources confirm, he lacked the confidence to ask for one.
- Lemmy Impersonator Dead After Three Weeks on the Job
- Band Member Afraid to Request Time Off From Dead-End Job He Hates
- Local Hardcore Legend Has Really Shitty Job
Kraushaar was happy to grant the request. “Obviously, I can’t have my employees work from home every single day, but I think it’s fair to allow them that freedom every once in awhile,” she said. “I trust Derrick enough to know that he can still productively do from home all of the things he is supposed to do at work, like Skype into our 2 p.m. meeting, or escape into the bathroom at 2:45 to hold his hands under the hot water for fifteen minutes just to feel something.”
At press time, Glover said he planned to be extremely diligent despite working from home. “I might be in my jeans instead of my suit, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be productive,” said Glover. “Everything I do at work, I’ll do at home. From hours of refreshing Facebook, to opening up old Excel documents and drawing frowny faces into the cells, just so I look productive in case anyone walks by.”