WATERLOO, N.Y. — Staunch MAGA Republican and binge-drinker Justin Brently decided to show his unwavering support for Donald Trump after his recent felony conviction by adding to his already large list of aggravated DWI charges, several perpetually-deceived sources report.
“Donald Trump is the single greatest president this country has ever had and I’ll drink 23 beers then get behind the wheel of my Silverado as many times as it takes until this witch hunt is over,” Brently stated as a jail guard instructed him to “pipe down.” “This man needs the support of MAGA patriots like me now more than ever, and I’ll stand in solidarity with him the only way I know how: by making dangerously irresponsible alcohol-fueled decisions. All I need is about 14 more and I’ll hit the goal of 34, one for every guilty sentence. God Bless America and God Bless Donald Trump and Coors Light!”
Brently’s longtime friend and drinking buddy Dylan Stowski shared his admiration for his commitment to his political ideals.
“Justin has to be the biggest freedom-loving patriot I know, and I’m proud to say that I’ve been right by his side many times when he’s put his few remaining brain cells on the line for Trump,” Stowski explained. “During the ‘plandemic,’ Justin and I were having one of our anti-quarantine parties, and we decided to go shot-for-shot. Only we were drinking shots of bleach to show all them science snowflakes that Trump wasn’t at all wrong or stupid for suggesting that bleach would cure Covid. We took the last two spots in the ER, but we didn’t die, so Trump was right!”
DWI attorneys nationwide have seen a sharp increase in demand of their services in what experts are calling “MAGA-flation.”
“Since this whole guilty verdict thing came about, our phones here have been ringing non-stop with angry bearded white men claiming to be political prisoners,” Attorney Larry Fink of Fink & Associates stated. “Apparently, these insurrectionist types started a campaign called, ‘Driving Drunk for Trump’ and now I’m up to my ears in billable hours! I think the world needs more conmen like Trump because at this rate, I should be able to retire from my practice around the time he inevitably runs for President again in 2028!”
At press time, Brently was spotted scraping off his “Blue Lives Matter” sticker off his rear windshield in hopes it will increase his chance of being pulled over.