CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Scientists at M.I.T’s prestigious Zoom Studies Lab reportedly identified the first online meeting to begin without terrible, meaningless small talk.
“Observations on the weather. Awkward icebreakers. Questions about turning your camera on. We’ve seen it all,” said Dr. Klaus Buford from his basement office. “We’ve been monitoring virtual American workplaces since the pandemic began, and now we’re utilizing A.I. to assist us in identifying fumbling anecdotes at the start of any online group meeting. However, just last week, we were able to highlight a single meeting that experienced a ‘small talk vacuum,’ a blip of silence or ‘dark matter’ before anyone even spoke. We think it’s a step forward in quantum physics. Also of note was the swift end to the meeting. There was a rare finality–not a single person had a straggling question or awkwardly waved to the screen.”
Longtime Boston resident and data analyst Gus Robbards disputed the quality of the groundbreaking meeting.
“That was the worst meeting I’ve ever been to,” said Robbards over the phone while clipping coupons. “This was supposed to be a meeting for our regional office, and I came prepared. I had jokes! I had complaints about my commute. Plus there’s a new Chipotle near the main office, that’s something worth bringing up, right? Damn it, I even saw a rare bird over the weekend! I wanted to talk about how O.J. Simpson died! Sure, that was a few months ago, but still – it’s O.J.! Remember that whole thing? It would’ve gotten the social lubricant going. This is a classic tactic of mine–pick a news item, ask a stranger what they think about it, and just parachute into a one-way conversation where I hold court.”
Efficiency advocate Diana Lee-Mifsud praised the lab’s progress in workplace communication.
“I’m thrilled by the news,” admitted Lee-Mifsud from her D.C. thinktank headquarters. “Here at ‘Fighting for Time Back,’ we strive to reduce wasteful chatter on the fringes of any virtual social interaction. We encourage guests to show up early, and keep mics off unless necessary. Somehow these simple requests are repeatedly ignored. We’ve gone so far as to use ball-gags and handcuffs for ‘over-talkers’ in an attempt to quell such behavior. This year, we’re looking into voice-encryption for the hosts allowing the meeting to Start, or fines for anyone wasting a group’s time. Punishments would include loss of access to their account, banishment to the barren wasteland of Skype, or even worse: having to make actual phone calls.”
At press time, Dr. Buford was prepared to share results with the University Board, only to be delayed by small talk about everyone’s favorite seltzer brand and sandwich due to one person eating lunch on screen.