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Local Punk Only Sniffs Fair-Trade Glue

YUMA, Ariz. – Derek Dunkerly, 22, is an up-and-coming drug addict who hopes to one day achieve his dreams of becoming a full-fledged junkie. Unlike most drug users who will pollute their bodies with almost any poisonous substances they can find, Dunkerly is taking a different path.

“I will only huff fair-trade glue; all the chemicals I ingest adhere to a very high standard of ethics,” Dunkerly said. “The only reason I’m throwing my life away is so that others may live.”

Dunkerly added, “I didn’t get into drug addiction because I hate my dad or school was difficult. I do them because there are people out there who need my help. Hard working people that are the total opposite of me.”

Dunkerly continues with his charity work by sitting in his father’s tool shed and filling his reusable canvas bag with a quarter bottle of Tim’s Honest Glue. “Tim’s Honest is the best for huffing. Every time you buy a bottle to huff, they will donate a bottle to a wastoid in a third world country,” Dunkerly explained.

Scott Burbank, a representative for Tim’s Honest Glue spoke to The Hard Times about the criticism Tim’s Honest Glue has received in regards to killing brain cells. “I don’t see why we are talking about a few dead brain cells when they are building nets around the Apple buildings in China so their employees don’t jump to their deaths,” Burbank proclaimed. “There are no victims with what we are making. Every addict is an addict by choice. The bottle is clearly labeled and states it is a powerful at-home adhesive for daily use, not for huffing. We pride ourselves on quality at Tim’s Honest Glue and we only use retired Ferguson police horses in our glue.”

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After drifting in and out of consciousness for hours, Dunkerly delivered a powerful message to the world at large. “I can’t solve all of the world’s problems. But if getting high in my dad’s tool shed can help one person, then I would trip fucking balls.”