PASADENA, Calif. – Southern California native Zack Martin admitted his favorite summer activity is smoking cigarettes in his apartment with the AC absolutely blasting, sources currently enjoying exactly that report.
“Oh man, it’s the best! It was weirdly super overcast most of July, but we’ve absolutely reached peak summer vibes here in LA county this month,” said Martin, reaching for his tenth cigarette of the morning. “I set my wall unit to 68 degrees, light up a cig, and get cracking on all my favorite indoor activities. I’ve already taught myself most of the bass licks from ‘Pablo Honey’ and am halfway through ‘The Witcher 3.’ My buddies keep blowing up my phone, trying to get me out camping in Joshua Tree with them, but I’ve got a lot on my plate at the casa right now.”
While Martin’s August plans are certainly working out swimmingly for him, his landlord wasn’t exactly thrilled about the telltale “summer smell” when he stopped by to collect the rent check.
“Yeah, we definitely don’t allow smoking in our buildings, haven’t since the ‘90s,” said Mark Olberman, the longtime building manager of the Hacienda Heights apartment complex. “I could get in big trouble with my boss, you know? But this is just sort of Zack’s thing every summer. Cold brew in hand, Wong Kar Wai film on his 55” 4K TV, and a lit cigarette dangling from his lips. Who am I to stand between a man and nirvana? He pays his rent on time and sends my wife and I cards on every major holiday. He’s the happiest guy that I’ve ever met and has read every Thomas Pynchon book like five times.”
Martin’s behavior might seem somewhat depressive at first glance, but clinical psychologist Dr. Ethel McClain believes that it’s not at all unhealthy to waste your days away indoors ripping cigs and vibing out on the Criterion Channel.
“A consistent state of creative enrichment is the best thing you can do to aid neurogenesis and prevent cognitive decline,” said McClain, a graduate from Stanford University. “Mr. Martin has an immense appetite for expanding his own mind, which is why he must maintain a strict daily regimen of televised Danny McBride vehicles, shoegaze records, and Camel Blue cigarettes. And he does go out in the evenings, so there’s no fear of anti-socialization. If anything, he’s properly built up his energy well to talk faster at dive bars and snort cocaine more efficiently.”
At press time, Martin admitted that he’ll often walk a couple blocks to pick up an Al Pastor burrito from time to time as his only “outdoor” activity.