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Local Fuck-Up Confident He Can Finish Shirts Before Tour, “No Problem”

OAKLAND, Calif – Local fuck-up, Johnny Fuck-Up, best known for the time he stage dove with a roman candle up his ass at Burnt Ramen in 2004, has assured Bay Area hardcore band SPLINTERZ that he will be able to finish screen printing their t-shirts in time for their upcoming West Coast tour.

It’s no problem,” Fuck-Up said over the phone in-between bong rips, just two days before SPLINTERZ are set to play in Los Angeles.

The band, however, are starting to worry that there may indeed be a problem.

You know, I’ve never even seen where Johnny does his screen printing. We asked him for these shirts weeks ago, what could be the hold up? Even if the shirts are only two bucks a piece, it doesn’t do us much good if we don’t have them for tour,” Paz, vocalist for SPLINTERZ, said.

According to Fuck-Up, the hold-up has to do with his current employment situation at Quiznos.

Listen man, the shirts are fucking 95 percent done. The only thing is I need to dry them in the oven at work and I haven’t closed this week. The whole reason I got this job at Quiznos was to dry shirts in the oven. Well, that and the free sandwiches,” Fuck-Up explained as he refilled the honey dijon mustard condiment dispenser. “Paz would have the shirts by now if the shift manager wasn’t such a fascist about scheduling.”

Related: BREAKING: Straight Edge Clothing Lines Now Outnumber Straight Edge Kids

Members of SPLINTERZ were led to believe that Johnny Fuck-Up was operating out of a professional-grade screen printing shop, as opposed to his current Quiznos set up. This, too, is “not a problem” in the eyes of Fuck-Up.

I don’t need all that expensive corporate shit to get the job done. I hand painted the ink on them myself. They asked for red ink on black shirts, but I only had a few red shirts lying around, so they are gonna be red with red ink. I always have red ink. Either way, they are gonna be ready in plenty of time for their show in L.A. next month.”

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Photo by Thor.