WASHINGTON — Presumptive Democratic nominee Kamala Harris attempted to boost her perception as a “cool aunt” by announcing that if elected she will let junior staff members drink beers in the basement of the White House, sources who like to party confirmed.
“I realize there is a perception with some young voters that since I was a prosecuting attorney I’m very strict, but if elected this November you’ll see I’m not a typical president, I’m like a cool government official who lets their junior staff members drink Bud Light Lime in the basement of the White House,” said Harris while recording a TikTok dance. “Look, junior staffers are going to drink, I get it. But if they drink here at least I know where they are and that they’re not out getting invited to Matt Gaetz’s office.”
While current staff members appreciate the idea, many claim that it was not really necessary to hide their drinking around President Biden.
“Yeah, at first we would sneak a few brews in an empty office or even just behind his back but as time went on he didn’t even seem to notice when we would pound one down right in front of him,” explained current staffer Kyle Durban. “It became a game to see who could get the most shitfaced in front of him. One time Brayden dared me to get Biden his morning coffee while we funneled a sixer standing right in front of him and all he said was ‘You boys seem thirsty. Why don’t you go down to the soda pop shop and get yourself a malted’ then he threw a nickel at us.”
Republican strategist James Lockland says Harris making this announcement is a desperate attempt to make her seem cooler than Trump.
“Kamala is flailing in the polls and has no real policy agenda so she is attempting to win young voters just by being the younger and cooler candidate. She wants us to think she will let her junior staff members drink in the White House while they’re working but with Trump those staffers won’t even need to do any work,” said Lockland. “As with his first term, nothing will really get done in the White House and junior staff members won’t have much to do other than cleaning ketchup stains from the Oval Office carpet and changing out the air fresheners.”
At press time, Harris had made an announcement that she just ordered an air hockey table and “one of those arcade machines that plays ‘Galaga’ and ‘Ms. Pac Man.’”