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“Just Keep My Tab Open” Says Man Handing Credit Card to Coke Dealer

LOWELL, Mass. — Local addict Sam Agnew asked his coke hookup to keep his tab open after the drug dealer upgraded to a cashless system and now accepts all major credit cards except for American Express, several unnamed individuals who don’t know the seller personally but know of him report.

“I’ve been asking Tim for months to just let me use PayPal instead of using cash,” said Agnew, a regular customer of the dealer known as Tim “Daze” Murray. “Because seriously, who carries cash anymore? I’d always have to go to the nearest ATM, pay the stupid $3 fee, and then pretend like Tim didn’t give me back the wrong amount in change. It’s awesome that he takes cards now, not only because I can leave a tab open, but also because it helps me rack up points toward my next vacation.”

Murray reports that switching to a cashless system is taking some adjustments.

“I got one of those little slider gadgets to plug into my iPad so my customers can swipe their cards. It’s working fine, but If I had my way, I’d still be cash only. Lots of my regulars were asking if they could Venmo me, but like hell am I putting my business finances on a social network—that’s like having the IRS follow you on Instagram,” said Tim, while adjusting the piece of masking tape covering his iPad camera. “So, I started accepting credit cards. Some customers ask me to leave their tabs open, which is cool… though it’s not like I have a system for keeping track of any of it. Maybe I hold their card in my shorts’ pocket, maybe I don’t.”

A representative from Square’s consumer analytics department shares that they take great pride in facilitating day-to-day operations for small business owners.

“I personally love that our product contributes to the livelihood of sole proprietors and small business owners by enabling them to make transactions on the go and with ease,” said Square rep Julia Antwhistle. “Recently we’ve seen a record number of charges coming from a business called TIM, LLC that’s still in its early stages, operating out of a residential basement! I don’t know what that is, but we could have the next Amazon on our hands. We wish them continued growth and success.”

At press time, when Agnew finally closed out his tab, Murray could be seen flipping his iPad screen around, prompting Agnew to select a tip percentage.