AUSTIN – Veteran MMA commentator and comedian Joe Rogan steered his podcast conversation from his guest’s earnest discussion of mortality to talking about how strong gorillas are, bewildered sources report.
“I was saying ‘what’s the point of it all? That’s sort of the question we’ve been asking since we as a species could look inward,’ and he just kept interrupting me,” explained UCLA Professor of Philosophy Suzanne Pouter who learned that gorillas could benchpress 4,000 pounds. “It’s sort of the great mystery of life. And, no, I don’t think gorillas really think about mortality. I had to be like ‘sorry, I don’t think this is super relevant to what I was saying. Death is coming for all of us. You’re seriously more afraid of a gorilla than death?’ And he just wouldn’t stop talking about how a gorilla would crush your bones to dust if you tried to shake hands with one. It was maddening.”
Joe Rogan defended his choice to watch YouTube videos of gorillas high fiving one another during the recording of the episode.
“Holy shit, that thing would fuck up Jon Jones,” said Rogan as he excitedly recounted offering Pouter a blunt. “Yeah, she seemed kind of cranky, but like–imagine we get one of those things in the gym. Any philosopher ever try to get a gorilla as shredded as possible? I’m saying we get a trainer in there and have a gorilla punching the heavy bag. Get it on some C4 and up its protein intake times five, I’ve got plenty of elk meat. Thing could get some serious moves going. That is way more interesting to me than high-horsing about ‘everyone dies’ or whatever. Need that power, every time you bust you get a little bit weaker. That’s what Eddie Bravo told me anyway.”
Although the grim specter of death looms over us all, the subject of a professional primate fighter drew much more traction, as well as debate.
“A gorilla could not fight in MMA,” said legendary primatologist and surprising MMA superfan Jane Gooddall. “The distance management alone would be too intricate for their brain to understand. Sure, they’re absolutely jacked hunks of muscle, but the ref would step in the moment he saw the gorilla try to rip off his opponent’s head and eat it. The only way we could get one of these bad boys in the Octagon would be to give it some DMT. They start seeing God, they’re gonna ascend to a higher plane of existence Space Odyssey style. Then they’ll learn Muay Thai.”
At press time, a new guest was desperately trying to finish their story about beating cancer as Rogan pulled up the video ‘Potion Seller’ on YouTube.