MIDDLETOWN, Ohio — Republican vice presidential nominee JD Vance continued to infuriate the nation by claiming that men who are childfree and own tarantulas are actually kind of cool, confirmed sources who just wanted to enjoy their totally normal pet in peace without getting criticized by political leaders for once.
“If you think about it, tarantulas are exactly like babies. They’re small, delicate, and you have to feed them crickets and mealworms every three to four hours or else they’ll die. At least I think so anyway. My wife handled all that stuff with our kids, so I can’t confirm for sure,” said Senator Vance. “These childless cat ladies can stand to be a little more like the patriots who voluntarily own gargantuan spiders and keep them in a tank. In fact, that’s another way tarantulas are like kids. You have to keep them behind glass. Also, cats are just weird. The last one we had hissed at me all the time and it scratched up my beloved couch. Regardless, this nation was founded on family and tarantula values.”
US citizens felt slighted yet again from Vance’s off-putting comments.
“It’s never a good sign when a politician running for one of the highest positions in government attempts to disparage half of the voter base, unless my side does it more cleverly,” said Jennifer Maxbean without realizing she had cat litter stuck in her teeth. “Parents are always talking shit about adults who would rather have pets than children as if we’ve done something morally reprehensible. If anything, the people that keep large arachnids that won’t even sit on your lap or chase a laser pointer are the actual sociopaths. When will politicians understand that the real enemy in this country is exotic pet owners.”
Experts were quick to note similar distasteful comments in US history.
“Politicians have a tendency to belittle voters whose lifestyles vary slightly different than theirs,” said political analyst Meg Vereen. “Back when Obama was in office, he criticized creepy divorced guys who owned a bunch of snakes as pets. Honestly, he had a good point there. If you’re going to get a pet, don’t get one of the ugly, leathery, venomous ones. Nature intended us to have the cute furry ones and make them poop in a little sandbox.”
At press time, Vance doubled down on his comments by noting that childfree illegal tiger owners are also pretty badass.