NEW YORK — Hip hop mogul Jay-Z discreetly paid off Luigi Mangione’s early court costs as a sign of appreciation to the suspected assassin for drawing all the media attention away from the fact he was being accused of raping a 13-year-old girl alongside Sean “Diddy” Combs, sources confirmed.
“Luigi is my dude. I needed a miracle to get my name out of the headlines and it was delivered to me in the form of an Italian guy who likes McDonald’s and gun violence. I hope one day I get to shake his hand in person to tell him how thankful I am,” said the 55-year-old musician. “I’m willing to pay for all his legal fees and the best lawyers in the world as long as he stays at the top of the news feed. Someone needs to publish his manifesto in full so everyone can discuss that and forget about all this nonsense about me. Or even better, maybe someone else can shoot another healthcare CEO, that would really make headlines. I’m just spitballing here.”
At press time, Jay-Z admitted he also made a sizable donation to the Syrian militants who toppled the Assad regime.