WASHINGTON — Vice President J.D. Vance suddenly woke up from a recurring nightmare in which a minimum wage employee wasn’t in extreme medical debt due to a lack of insurance coverage, confirmed sweaty sources.
“It was awful. Cashiers, dishwashers, even Uber drivers were able to afford life-saving medicine! I think one was even a union member with incredible medical benefits. I never want to see such visions again,” said Vance while sitting down on his fainting couch. “This can’t be good for me. I need my minimum of 10 hours of sleep so I can do important work like appear on podcasts and shake hands with investors. Sometimes I even have a nightmare where children get lunch for free at schools. Won’t someone think of the taxpayers for once instead of the nutritionally deficient kids?”
His wife Usha Vance was at his bedside comforting him through this troubled time.
“The sheets are once again soaked from his terror sweats and also a little urine. Nothing out of the usual. However, he keeps muttering ‘pull your bootstraps’ and ‘get a real job like bitcoin investing’ in his sleep,” said the Vice President’s wife. “I’ve had to wake him up and assure him that as long as they live in America, the greatest country in the world, there’s little fear about his tax dollars paying for a wheelchair. He usually feels after I tell him the dollar amount of the U.S. military budget and then read a passage from his autobiography to him until he falls back into slumber.”
Vice President Vance contacted his long time mentor Peter Thiel for help.
“I told him to take a deep breath and remember that he has nothing to worry about. If it keeps happening, just hire a 19 year old to pump his blood into your veins,” Thiel said before looking off into the distance with concern. “Poor little guy. I hope he recovers. He’s still scarred from a childhood of seeing people who don’t receive scholarships to ivy leagues. He’s grown so much since then but I still worry about him. If he’s going to co-run this country, he needs to separate his reality from others’ nightmares of acquiring severe medical debt.”
At press time, Vice President Vance violently woke up from another nightmare where housing was affordable for first-time homebuyers.