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“I’d Like to See a Social Worker Do What I Do,” Says Cop Who Does Nothing

DURHAM, N.C. — Local police officer Chad Bixby vocally opposed the redistribution of police funds toward social services at a recent town hall meeting, according to sources.

“Me and my boys have to be ready for action at any time, so it’s important that our department has proper funding for gear and stuff,” said Officer Bixby, who spent the majority of his last several weeks on duty writing loitering tickets to homeless people. “Do you know how hard it is to tell people every day that they’ll never get their bike back, or we’ll never catch the guy who broke into their car? I bet a social worker never has to break bad news like that, and it takes a certain caliber of training to do that.”

Prominent activists point out that the ineffectiveness of police forces in preventing crime is nothing new.

“I thought I’d way rather a cop do nothing because it means he’s not out shooting, framing, or harassing anyone,” said abolitionist scholar and former public defender Khadija Henson, who was present at the town hall meeting. ”It’s sad the standard is so low that literally not killing someone means you’re more in the ‘good cop’ category, but I’m not sure why anyone needs another tank to stand around with their head’s up their asses.”

Many social services providers do support defunding police departments in favor of programs that prevent crime, yet lack the time or political capital to advocate for these changes.

“I meant to go to that but I had to stop and assess this man passed out on the street for signs of overdose. Luckily I didn’t have to Narcan him, but it made me late to meet my client and bring him to the clinic cause they only have dental on Wednesdays,” said social worker Elaine Chan. “I really wish I could do more to stand up for policy changes in my free time, but I generally just have to dissociate to reality dating shows when I come home from work. Have you ever taken someone on tar to the DMV? It’ll wear you out.”

At press time Officer Bixby was swiping through Tinder and Chan was convincing someone to put a knife down and take his meds.