ATLANTA — Hooters officials announced a new promotion for their chain of nearly 500 restaurants nationwide to offer free food on Sundays to fathers who refuse to pay child support, according to customers pretending to dine there for the cuisine.
“Hooters is excited to offer this new campaign to our most loyal customers, deadbeats who spend most of their time in our eateries instead of with their attention-starved children,” stated CEO Terrance Marks. “We used to offer free grub for kids on Sundays, but it was a real flop because their fathers just showed up alone and denied that they had any offspring. Even though we’ll be taking a financial risk with this promo, we’re pretty sure that these dirtbags will just get shitfaced off too many Bud Lights and forget their wallets behind, so either way, we’ll be made whole.”
Local good-for-nothing dad Frank Russo was stoked about this new initiative.
“Would I be interested in free food while at the same time leering at young waitresses, all who think I’m cool and hilarious as fuck, instead of wasting money on my needy twins? Fuckin’ duh,” said Russo as he moved around what little money he had into a secret bank account. “I can’t think of another place I’d rather be, surrounded by like-minded folks who also roll up in their sweet Dodge Caravans and complain about spousal support. I’m just happy to finally find a place that appreciates me for me, unlike my family, friends, and that asshole judge.”
Hospitality expert April Hannon described how these types of restaurants largely depend on this demographic.
“Without these scumbags, the ‘breastaurant’ industry would simply cease to be,” Hannon explained. “These places rely on men who avoid their families at all costs, and who would rather spend their cash on eating overpriced wings just to ogle women wearing low-cut shirts and short shorts. Even though the restaurant industry as a whole is very challenging, these types of places are basically recession-proof as long as freeloaders and teenage boys looking for a place to celebrate their birthdays still exist.”
At press time, Hooters also announced Wednesdays would offer all-you-can-ribs for men going through nasty divorces who are in the process of faking their own deaths.