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Hipster Father Only Loves His Children Ironically

RICHMOND, Va. — Despite having two young, beautiful children, local father and noted hipster Holden Clarke continues to subtly remind everyone that the love he feels for his kin is done so ironically, according to concerned witnesses.

Bystanders saw an ironic display of affection first-hand as Clarke dropped off his two children, Luke and Samantha, at Oakwood Elementary School early last week.

“I heard his kids tell him they loved him as they got out of the car,” said fellow neighborhood parent Evelyn Crow, “and in a super-sarcastic tone, he said, ‘Yeah, I love you, too,’ and make that ‘jerk off’ motion and drove off.”

Sources confirm Clarke even attends his children’s recreational events just for the “joke.” Witnesses claim that during his son Luke’s performance, Clarke brought a group of friends into the front row, all silently chuckling — some of whom were asked to leave after sarcastically cheering and applauding during Luke’s piano number. Clarke later defended his playful stance.

“Oh, man… what can I say about my children’s musical talents?” he said with a smirk, gently patting both of them on the shoulders. “It’s, like, their recitals are so bad that they’re good.”


“I even got their baby pictures tattooed on my arm as a joke. It’s fucking hilarious,” added Clarke. “Last week, I went to Sam’s basketball game, and the whole time, I was wondering how she could even play like that — there’s no way she thinks it has actual merit, right? Such a try-hard.”

Despite widespread concern from neighbors, PTA members, and Clarke’s now ex-wife Lily Rivas, Clarke affirmed he will remain a legal guardian of these children, noting he also “can’t fucking wait” for his children to do community theater so he could “hate-watch the shit out of it” with his group of friends.

“Honestly, liking my kids and what they do is what makes it entertaining,” said Clarke, shortly before rolling his eyes at two parents displaying sincere pride and love by hugging their daughter. “It’s just fun to pretend to be a normal-ass parent like these people. I mean, you don’t actually think I like this kind of stuff, do you?”

Article by Charlie McGarrigle @HawaiiBuckner. Photo by Kat Chish.