A few days into visiting a friend in California, we got free tickets to a taping of “Real Time with Bill Maher.” I guess my friend’s roommate is a page on the show. Anyway, we went as a joke but ever since, I keep clapping at weird times and I have no idea why.
The show was what you’d expect. The guests were Ben Shapiro, Newt Gingrich, and Gene Simmons and it was hours of lazy, softball jokes about trans people and “DEI” Kamala Harris. Initially, I was just rolling my eyes, but there was a chemical peppermint smell in the air and I started to feel… different. Like, I thought Islamophobia was bad, but during a new rule about how Palestinians needed to use deodorant, I was clapping next to everyone til my knuckles ached. And it seemed as the show went on, Bill seemed younger. Supple. His hairline looked fuller.
Days later I was on a plane heading home. When we landed I started to clap for the pilot, which I never do, but I was lagged. My girlfriend and I went out to dinner after, and when the waiter dropped a tray of glasses, I clapped, locking eyes with him and whistling. I was horrified but I couldn’t stop myself. I then clapped after I left a 7 percent tip. I clapped when my Uber driver almost hit someone in a wheelchair in the crosswalk. When we got home and I started having sex with my girlfriend, I lasted 30 seconds before clapping myself to sleep.
I never can predict what’s going to trigger it. I know I can’t hear the name “Joe Rogan” without going off. Another time I saw a viral video of a police officer playing a pickup basketball game with some teens and I clapped for an hour. Last night I woke up in my backyard clapping over a dead raccoon.
There’s more. I say “Kafkaesque” all the time. I pierced my ears because I thought it would impress the barista at Starbucks. I’m finding myself driving on the centerline of the road because I can’t commit to a side. I want to see a doctor, but I have this feeling I know more than they do. Whatever this is, it’s just the beginning. And I’m really scared. Even if I sound really smug while I’m saying it.