TACOMA, Wash. — Local man Blake Crawford was reportedly heartbroken while attending his 20-year high school reunion after coming to the realization that the once annoying kid Zach Reynolds who refused to do the pledge of allegiance back in high school was right all along, sources at the reunion confirmed.
“I remember in junior year he’d make a big show about not doing the pledge daily and get himself kicked out of class. Yeah, we know they only added ‘under God’ to the pledge in 1954, he mentioned it’s an ‘unconstitutional endorsement of monotheism’ every day. Well, don’t tell him I said this, but he kinda had a point,” said Crawford. “It was right after 9/11 and our Math teacher had a real hard-on for the flag, so I’d have to watch them argue for ten minutes when I just wanted to get through the day so I could get some ‘freedom fries’ at lunch—actually, looking back Zach had some annoyingly correct opinions on that stupid shit as well.”
The students’ homeroom teacher Kenneth McGraw recalled the frequent sparring matches he and Reynolds would get into over the compulsory nature of the pledge.
“Zach was just another wannabe socialist that didn’t understand that the only thing that separates us from the commies in North Korea is our unwavering public support of the nation’s symbols and commitment to patriotic ceremony,” said McGraw, shining his flag pin to a mirror sheen. “If it were up to me we’d be reciting the pledge of allegiance before every meal, between every quarter and timeout during football games—I used to recite the pledge before marital intercourse too, but my wife told me she’d secede from our union if I didn’t stop.”
Retired Vice Principal Glen Cornerstone recalled Reynolds frequently ending up in his office for disciplinary action after he was thrown out of class by his teacher.
“Oh yeah I remember that kid—well of course the pledge is stupid, but every teenager that discovers Bad Religion thinks they’re the first to notice. I told him he needed to be chill like my hero Bob Dylan, but Zach would come at his teacher out of the gates with Dead Kennedys’ energy and end up in my office,” said Cornerstone, adjusting his receding ponytail. “He’d come in ranting about how the War on Terror was a colonization campaign to secure resources and use the military industrial complex to extract wealth for private industry. He was right, but you can’t show any weakness in front of teenagers or those jackals will tear you apart. Also, have you ever heard 500 kids say the pledge in unison before an assembly? It’s fucking creepy.”
At press time, Crawford was crestfallen after remembering what Reynolds had to say about JROTC in high school.