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Guy with Sweatshirt Tied Around Waist Ready to Start Push Pit

SAN ANTONIO — The man with a sweatshirt tied around his waist at tonight’s Prayer Dancer show is ready to violently push anyone and everyone he can get his hands on, according to sources already at the venue.

The man, acting alone, has been terrorizing showgoers with his tame, esoteric form of moshing, shoving anyone in his path, followed by an invitation to then shove him back. Witnesses report all invitations to push the sweaty, bare-chested man back have gone unreciprocated.

“I hate that guy with a passion,” said Julia Riley, one of the show attendees. “I was watching my friend’s band — he plays in Happy Archer — and out of nowhere, I got shoved in the back and spilled my beer all over the place. When I looked to see who did it, there was this goon with an Incubus hoodie around his waist flexing and yelling, ‘Bring it the fuck on,’ and pounding his chest. Go back to Ozzfest with that shit.”

“Throughout all of history, a good deed has never once been done by someone with a sweatshirt tied around their waist,” said Dr. Harriet Gooden, an anthropology professor at Texas A&M. “In 2015, over 90 percent of assaults reported at bus depots were committed by men with sweatshirts or jackets firmly secured around their waists. They should be avoided at all costs.”

The push-pit enthusiast has caused an estimated $50 in damages due to drink spillage so far, either by direct shoves or incidental contact with victims of the man’s random, unnecessary pushing. By the end of Happy Archer’s set, rumors began to swirl that some members of the audience were considering retaliation.


“I swear to god, if that piece of garbage comes my way again, I’m going to knock him the fuck out,” said Prayer Dancer fan Tony Salazar. “He shoved me earlier and knocked the sunglasses off my head, and of course someone stepped on them. They cost fuckin’ $80! I tripped him and threw him to the ground, and he just got up and tried to fist bump me. What the hell?”

As of press time, witnesses report the uneasiness surrounding the man with the sweatshirt tied around his waist has been overtaken by anxiety over a man in a backward white hat excited to “open this pit the fuck up.”