PHILADELPHIA — Frequent PornHub uploader Tyler Jones was clearly going through some stuff as evidenced by the title of his latest entry, confirmed masturbators nationwide.
“I was browsing for something to beat my meat to, and I came across this really curious title,” explained pornography connoisseur Patrick Adams. “The video was called ‘Dirty Whore Cucks Her Pathetic Boyfriend Who Has Done Nothing But Love Her And Provide For Her, and Co-Sign A Loan So She Can Buy A Ford Fiesta.’ I cranked my hog to it of course, but I was feeling a little weird about it. I checked out the comments, and the poster was really active in there. For instance, he posted a lot of comments about how love is a lie and we all die alone. Really put a damper on my afterglow.”
Although the video quickly gained views, the uploader himself did not seem to revel in his pornographic success.
“Women don’t care about anything except money and looks,” said Jones, who had clearly been crying. “They’ll just use you up, make you take them to the Cheesecake Factory, and never offer to pay, even when they get the herb crusted filet mignon. Sure, I don’t mind paying, but then we have to go out and see ‘Wicked’ in theaters? Again? Hopefully this video helps to show horny dudes from around the world that women aren’t worth it. They just take, and take, and then you find out that they’re sleeping with your best friend Kyle. I miss you so much Jessica. I’m so sorry.”
The phenomenon of pornography titles revealing elements of the uploader’s psyche is one that has existed as long as erotic art has.
“Porn has always been a window into the soul of the creator,” stated pornography historian and clinical psychologist Dr. Helga Stein. “The original title of ‘Deep Throat’ was ‘Even Though This Woman Is So Good At Sucking Dick, It Doesn’t Mean She Is Happy,’ but it didn’t test well with audiences so they cut it down. Even the paleolithic fertility icon, the Venus of Willendorf, included an inscription that archaeologists recently translated as ‘Please don’t take the kids Grunka Thump.’ Carbon dating revealed that she did, in fact, take the kids.”
At press time, Jones was uploading another video to PornHub, the title of which was an impassioned plea for everyone to get a prenuptial agreement.