TACOMA, Wash. — Mourners attending the funeral for local goth legend Joshua Proach, also known as Alistair Nightfall, weren’t sure which of the several hearses was the correct one hauling the deceased to the cemetery, confused sources confirmed.
“Josh and I were really close growing up having lived just three doors down from each other, but we kind of grew apart after I started focusing on sports and he got really into The Cure and started wearing cloaks,” said childhood friend Vince Wheaton. “I thought it was pretty weird when I saw seven hearses leaving for the cemetery going multiple directions, so it took me a little bit of extra time to get there. What’s even stranger was that several of these goth attendees appeared to have brought their own crow from home. They were all somehow domesticated too.”
The hearse owners at the funeral, including Lukas “Midnight” Albright, made pit stops on the way to the grave site causing many members of the precession to take the wrong route.
“I realized I had forgotten my black umbrella at my living quarters and I couldn’t properly mourn my associate of darkness without it. I never leave home without that thing,” said Albright. “I did feel bad for the mainstreams that trailed behind me, but that’s life, it’s all mundane pain and misery until the red thread of suffering comes to an end. Besides, I thought it was pretty clear which hearse to follow, but that might be because I always instinctively know which vehicle has a dead body in it.”
Mortician Oliver Fredricks appeared to know some of the attendees as he greeted several of them by name.
“This particular ceremony was harder on me than most because I knew Mr. Nightfall fairly well, he and many of his friends frequently commiserate at the local cemetery,” explained Fredricks. “They’re incredibly respectful to the land so nobody really has a problem with it. The worst that has ever happened was we had to ask them to not chain smoke next to ongoing ceremonies. But generally, they voluntarily help shoveling the dirt onto the caskets, so I can’t complain.”
At press time, many attendees noted that while getting to the cemetery may have been a chore, finding the grave site was made easy due to the tombstone being a life-size statue of Brandon Lee from “The Crow.”