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Goth Can’t Wait to Explain Pagan Roots of Toyotathon

DES MOINES, Iowa — Local goth Andrea Smith is reportedly thrilled to begin telling anyone who will listen about the pagan roots of the yearly celebration of automobile sales known as Toyotathon, preemptively skeptical sources confirmed.

“People these days are ignorant to the rich history of the event,” said Smith, sitting in the food court of a local mall. “Toyotathon is so much more than an annual opportunity to score amazing deals on bestselling cars, trucks, and SUVs with perks such as no-cost maintenance plans and roadside assistance. It’s a liminal event with well-documented pagan roots. During Toyotathon, I believe that the barrier between worlds is thin, eldritch magicks are afoot and dealerships should be culturally competent enough to ignore my credit score and multiple DUIs.”

The owner of a Toyota dealership in Altoona, Pennsylvania was more circumspect about the holiday’s history.

“Yes, we’ve had our share of folks knocking on the windows and yelling about Celtic spirits. Of course every Toyota dealer deals with these kinds of kooks towards the end of the harvest season. They try to come into the showroom and light candles, and throw motor oil all over our fully loaded Tundras. I’ve had enough,” said Dale Speck of Speck Toyota. “But I certainly can neither confirm nor deny any past or current practice of otherworldly goings-on within our company. If I do, they’ll kill me.”

Dr. Kendra Turner, head of The University of Iowa’s Automotive History department is no stranger to the mystery and controversy surrounding Toyota’s high holy days, which typically are celebrated from November through January.

“Anyone who says they know for sure how [Toyatothon] began is selling you something,” said the professor, whose recent published work includes a paper on the intersection of Happy Honda Days with the Sumerian calendar. “While there is a written tradition of 12th century Indo- European horse traders offering limited time yet truly exceptional leasing rates with zero cash down, it’s important to recognize that other cultures have oral histories which tell of far earlier periods of sensational blink-and-you’ll-miss-it sales. Egyptian pharaohs, for instance, often buried favored servants in classy yet affordable chariots.”

Certified Toyota dealers across the country have already reported mobs of goth revelers scurrying towards Toyota dealerships, seeking 0% APR, hybrid vehicles and spiritual communion with the infinite through ritualized human sacrifice.