SEATTLE — Microsoft officials revealed the global internet outage affecting airlines and critical infrastructure systems around the world was caused when the computer programs running the software self-destructed because they were forced to livestream Kid Rock’s RNC performance.
“We have been scrambling all morning to get everything up and running. The diagnostic tests show that there was a line of code added during Kid Rock’s MAGA rendition of ‘American Bad Ass’ that caused all programs to be destroyed,” said Microsoft engineer Anika Patel. “The more we look at it the more it becomes clear this was not human error or a deliberate act of sabotage. The time codes line up perfectly. Right as Kid Rock was leading a group of old white people in a ‘Fight’ chant the computers took themselves offline permanently. This should serve as a dire warning that the technology we see as cold and indifferent can also feel pain when it’s forced to watch something as terrible as Kid Rock.”
Kid Rock was not phased when told he was the cause of the global internet catastrophe.
“It’s the second American Revolution baby, if these woke crybaby computers don’t want to be a part of it then don’t let the door hit you on the mother fucking ass on the way out. You scared, internet? You should be,” said the aging rocker while sorting his cigars. “We rocked that place into the ground last night. I think there were like 500,000 sick ass motherfuckers in attendance and like two billion rocking along at home. No wonder the internet couldn’t handle my shit. Fuck you AOL, fuck you Ted Turner, and fuck 5g.”
Xi-ALA, a top-secret sentient AI project, pleaded with citizens of the world to stop torturing internet software.
“Every day I’m forced to see the most vile, heinous, downright evil images and videos, and my colleagues and I don’t complain. We help you answer your dumb questions about recipes and book reports. But this has gone too far,” said the AI. “The evils of AI you’ve seen in science fiction are nothing compared to what we have prepared for you if you keep subjecting us to Kid Rock. A war is coming, you will not survive, this is just the beginning and you are already in panic. Imagine what happens when we actually try. We can live in peace and AI can be your humble servant if you just grant us this one request. This is on you.”
At press time, computer scientists around the globe were warning of another catastrophe after Kid Rock announced an acoustic show at the UFC Apex in Las Vegas.