MT. POCONO, Penn. — Limp Bizkit singer Fred Durst recently crashed a Halloween campout and borrowed a bit of his own poetry to launch into a ghost story, sources ‘round the bonfire reported.
“Some buddies and I were on a camping trip when there was a rustle from the woods,” Casey Morehouse explained while dousing embers with bong water. “Then we heard a belch and a fart at the same time and suddenly Fred Durst came tumbling out of the bushes like, ‘Whazzah ya’ll halloweenisses!? You want a ghost story?? Aight, check it— On a dark and stormy night, when everything was fucked and everybody sucked, there was a ghost who couldn’t say why but wanted to justify ripping someone’s head off.’ It started strong but then got kind of confusing. The ghost was part of some murder-for-hire plot, then went around punching people in the face just for talking and ultimately wound up harvesting someone’s skin with a chainsaw. For the big scare at the end Durst was like, ‘and the ghost was ME!’ and we were like, ‘Yeah, no shit.’”
Contrary to assumption, Durst himself clarified that the tale was not just drunkenly made up on the spot.
“Na dog, it’s been in the fam for generations… through the oral tradition,” Durst snickered. “The story has many versions cuz really it’s a metaphor for symbolism and shit. Like the ghost is mad dope, but the world got mad haters so to earn that respect the ghost has to climb out of a giant toilet. Sometimes the ghost just wants to crowd surf on some plywood but the world can’t hear him cuz the microphone’s broke. The scariest one is when everyone thinks the ghost is gone forever, but then it reappears and abducts Halle Berry to a psych ward just to film himself licking her chin. It’s relatable cuz we’re all the ghost.”
Professor of lyricology Dalton Norshank pointed out that this was no isolated incident.
“Hard rockers are always repurposing their own work to add to the Halloween spirit,” Norshank said while cataloging his toenail clippings. “Ozzy has started countless ghost stories with the rhetorical question ‘what is this that stands before me?’ Kerry King has been banned from speaking at any Halloween parade in the country ever since the Dead Skin Mask incident. Billy Corgan has a short yet stirring Halloween classic: ‘This killer in me is the killer in you. The end.’”
At press time, Durst remained lost in the woods asking fellow hikers if they knew which way was straight.