CHICAGO — Guitarist and exhausted activist Tom Morello faxed in his protest of the Democratic National Convention report disappointed political activists and Rage Against the Machine fans throughout Chicago.
“Just as it was in 2000, we are not letting the streets of Chicago get taken over by the Democrats, Republicans, or anyone in the political establishment who just want to maintain the status quo,” said Morello while stirring a mug of chamomile tea. “I’ve written protest songs, organized rallies, even gotten arrested pushing my message right into the face of our oppressors. But this strongly worded memo that I plan to fax to the Tribune sometime this week…this just hits different. It’s going to rock the DNC harder than we two decades ago.”
Activists at Chicago rallies were skeptical of the impact the fax would have on the delegates and voters watching around the country.
“I had heard rumblings weeks ago that Tom was planning something, we even saw him checking into the Peninsula Hotel with a guitar case in his hand,” said Maureen Harrington of Wicker Park while gluing herself to a door handle at the United Center. “Bare minimum, I figured he’d be out there with a fucking old school bullhorn to rally the troops and get everyone fired up. Hell, maybe he’d even get the guitar out and play some Woody Guthrie songs. But now we’re starting to wonder, it’s been 3 days and where the fuck is he?”
Political Analyst Geoff Roland acknowledged Morello’s impact in the past, but wondered if it was time to pass the torch to a new generation
“We want more celebrities to be here in the streets with us and use their platforms to foment change. However, we would really prefer someone like Chappell Roan over Tom Morello, no offense to Mr. Morello, but he’s just not going to be able to speak to the youth like he used to,” said Roland. “His style of intellectual discourse, willful civil disobedience, and harnessing the power of the system against itself is just old hat. It’s time to let the man rest.”
“The next generation better get it together quick,” Roland added. “If they’re not careful, Tom DeLonge is gonna show up throwing alien conspiracy theories at the crowd.”
At press time, Zack De La Rocha was said to be landing at Chicago O’Hare Airport with a plane full of 300 Cuban Marxist Guerillas to join the fray.