ABINGTON, Mass. — The 14 punks that make up the entire DIY music scene of their suburban town are reportedly relieved to soon be done with their mandated summer school classes, heavily pierced and crudely tattooed sources confirmed.
“These past eight weeks have been fucking torture, man. It’s like fucking Buchenwald in here pretending to read Catcher in the Rye,” said high school junior David Hammond. “At least I’m stuck here with my girlfriend, everyone else from my band, their girlfriends, and all the dudes from The Pig Suckers. We actually wrote enough stuff to record a split 7” during math last week, so that’s O.K., I guess.”
Many of the punks in summer class together believe they ended up here as a result of unfair treatment from school administrators.
“Principal O’Malley — or should I say, Warden O’Malley — hates freedom. He just wants to see kids suffer,” said Kerry Linn, who had 34 unexcused absences and was late for class 81 times, according to public records. “He only put me here because he’s had it out for me ever since my band released our song about him, ‘Fascist O’Malley’s Magnificent Micropenis.’ It’s so obvious!”
However, summer school science teacher Chase Olsen believes he can help his students… if they listen to his advice.
“They all ended up here for a reason. Now, they’re stuck in a hot classroom, instead of outside smoking cigarettes by a lake, or whatever they do. I just wanted to help them get through this, and let them know that with hard work, they can achieve their goals,” said Olsen.
“I also want them to know they need to cool it when they go to shows, though,” added Olsen, who also plays guitar in local beatdown hardcore band Phantom Punch. “I’ve seen some of my students fuck with the wrong guys. I wish I could develop a lesson plan about not messing with dudes with scars on their knuckles, but maybe that’ll just have to wait until they don’t go to college.”
Based on the students’ summer school performance, however, school officials predict half of their town’s punk scene will need to repeat their current grade year, while the other half is expected to drop out entirely.