BEDFORD, Ind. — Grocery store clerk Max Bryce recently experienced an ego death after ingesting over five grams of psychedelic mushrooms, regained said ego after a weekend of heavy cocaine usage, sources close to him report.
“Max was pretty chill for a couple weeks there,” said long-time friend Greg Creft. “He used to get so mad when I beat his ass at ‘Mortal Kombat,’ like especially when I performed a Babalitie. But last time he just called it ‘cute’ and said something about how we were all babies of the universe or whatever. Sadly, all that personal growth and stuff went out the window when he went on a three-day cocaine bender that ended with him driving a moped into a public pool. ”
Local lifeguard Megan Gilbert was on duty when this incident occurred.
“Honestly it was kinda cool,” said Gilbert while scrolling through her camera roll for video footage. “I mean this guy came out of nowhere screaming ‘USA! USA!,’ then rammed through a rusted-out section of the chainlink fence, and went right into the deep end. I jumped in and pulled him out thinking he was probably dead, but before I even got him out of the water he asked me if I wanted to make out and if I could get him something to eat at the concession stand. If I live to be 100 I’ll still never know why I bought him that snowcone.”
This kind of ego reincarnation is far more prevalent than most people think, according to Dr. Alex Landfert, Professor of Psychology at Hartford College.
“Ingesting large quantities of psilocybin can often lead to a person feeling strongly connected to the whole of the universe and less occupied by their own personal desires and sense of self-identity,” explained Landfert. “This causes them to be more open to new experiences and more in tune with the present moment. So basically the exact kind of guy who would say yes when someone asks him to snort coke in an Applebee’s bathroom. Coke, as a rule, tends to turn the user into the most impressively narcissistic version of themselves possible. It’s a vicious cycle.”
Bryce was last seen still in the grips of his high defecating on an air hockey table at Dave and Buster’s after declaring himself “the long dong daddy of this tight butt town.”