PORTLAND, Ore.—Sage Copeland, who has never driven a day in his life, is adamant that his automobile abstinence is an environmental thing and nothing else, the 32-year-old vegan confirmed.
“Cars are destroying our planet, full stop, end of story,” said Copeland, breathing heavily as he walked his fixed-gear bike up a hill. “I would never in a million years make our dear mother Gaia choke on the wretched combustion of fossil fuels. I don’t even ride on public transportation anymore—anywhere I can’t get on my bike isn’t worth getting to. Just because I don’t happen to have the actual state-issued form of identification doesn’t mean that I’ve never passed a driver’s test. It means I’m protesting on behalf of the Earth herself.”
Copeland’s roommate Denise Lopez, however, offered a slightly different side of the story.
“Did Sage mention that he’s banned from taking Portland public transit after smoking cloves and drinking kratom on three separate TriMet buses?” asked Lopez, cleaning up someone else’s spilled PBR in the living room of their co-op. “He also probably didn’t tell you he showed up drunk as hell to his last driving test after trying to ‘calm his nerves’ with a gallon of homemade hard kombucha. He’s literally not allowed to enter any Oregon DMV location until like 2030. And honestly, he’s just one of those vaguely gay dudes who can’t drive. It’s a whole thing.”
A spokesperson for the state’s Driver & Motor Vehicles division confirmed that Copeland has in fact tried to obtain his driver’s license at least a handful of times.
“We aren’t normally permitted to speak on personal cases, but since Mr. Copeland’s kombucha-vomit-covered mugshot went viral last year, the public is already well aware of this individual and his prior attempts to become a licensed driver in Oregon,” explained Stan Nelson. “ Mr. Copeland, four years ago, inhaled nitrous oxide from a balloon while stopped at a red light. Thankfully, the instructor was able to shift the car into park while the driver laughed until he passed out. He’s simply lucky that the environmentalist angle has fooled his peers, family, and colleagues for this long.”
At press time, Copeland was seen begging a member of his co-op for a ride to the dispensary.