NEW YORK — Percussion enthusiast Jeffery Saunders was disturbed to discover his new electronic drum kit let out sounds of sexual excitement each time his drumsticks touched one of the sensors, confirmed sources trying to help reprogram the kit.
“As soon as I put on my headphones I knew something was wrong. It sort of sounded like I was hearing shallow, anticipatory breaths but I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from,” said Saunders. “As soon as I sat down to play a few simple beats, I noticed the pads kept making these erotic sounds after every hit. I wanted to give it a chance and try something new, but I don’t know if this is for me. It’s making me feel weird, especially after it started moaning ‘Oh yeah, hit me again,’ and ‘Harder, harder!’ When the kit called me ‘daddy’ after a blast beat I immediately unplugged it and looked up the return policy.”
Matt Daily, CEO of Hot N’ Heavy Beats—the manufacturer of the electronic drum kit—insists the key feature is clearly stated in the product’s description and that customers who don’t want an arousable drum kit ought to be more discerning with their purchases.
“We hear this a lot from people who don’t really ‘get’ our mission, which is to make a high quality, touch-sensitive electronic drum set that sighs lustfully whenever you take your big sticks and play with it,” said Daily while biting his lower lip. “If you want a regular, non-erotic drum kit, there are obviously plenty you can choose from on the market. We’re cultivating a sensual experience for drummers everywhere, and we feel that it’s bringing the passion back into their lives. Besides, anyone who gets upset at having a drum kit express itself in a salacious manner is just being a prude.”
Sex therapist Dr. Ellen Brodowski believes this can actually be a healthy practice, further strengthening the bond between drummers and their equipment.
“However difficult it may be to open up about it, having a drum kit that audibly conveys its prurient desires could be a way for drummers to really form a deeper connection with their instrument,” said Dr. Brodowski while lightly running a brush over his electronic snare drum. “Oftentimes the relationship between a drummer and the drum can become strained, or there might be miscommunication, so being able to listen to the kit and hear what its sensual preferences are might be a step towards positive growth within that dynamic.”
Hot N’ Heavy Beats are currently developing an update to their electronic bass drum which will demand you spit on it every time it’s played.