LAS VEGAS — Former president Donald Trump told attendees at an outdoor rally that he would bring Fruitopia vending machines back to public schools within the first 100 days of his presidency if elected, puzzled sources confirmed.
“We will reinstall every Fruitopia vending machine, and those were beautiful machines, that were so cruelly and unfairly taken from us by the communists, Marxists, perverts, and radical left thugs who so desperately want to destroy our country and install Aquafina vending machines in their place,” Trump said as rallygoers behind him languished noticeably in the 104-degree heat. “They cheated you out of your cold and refreshing Fruitopia just as they cheated me out of the 2020 election, which everybody knows I won. They live like vermin within the confines of our beloved country, and only by voting for me will we be able to root them out and end their radical hydration-based agenda.”
Audience member Alex Burnside was initially confused by the former president, but soon found himself on board with the message.
“At first, I had no idea what he was talking about,” said Burnside just after bringing water to a nearby attendee who was suffering from heatstroke within full view of Trump. “Then I started to vaguely remember those colorful vending machines that had been in my high school in the late ‘90s. This is an outrage! I can’t believe Killary and the lying Democrats stole those from us, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. They’ll stop at nothing to ruin the American way of life.”
Betina Pereira, Market Research Consultant at RTP Concepts in Atlanta, had serious doubts about the chances of Trump’s promise being carried out.
“Fruitopia was discontinued in the United States over two decades ago, after years of declining popularity and successful efforts by health experts based on the negative effects of high fructose corn syrup water being so readily available to students,” Pereira sighed. “It makes sense to me that Trump is nostalgic for it, but it really shouldn’t surprise anyone at this point that this is just another empty promise he’s making. It’s patently obvious that he’s just running for president to stay out of prison, so he’ll say anything at this point.”
At press time, Trump also promised to return the Supersize option back to McDonald’s, but by then he was in his third hour of speaking and most of the crowd had either fallen asleep or filtered out of the venue.