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Diva Cup Demands Bigger Vagina

CHICAGO — The Diva Cup menstrual device disappointed fans and promoters alike last night, canceling a gig at the last minute because the venue was “too small” to adequately accommodate it, a source confirms.

“Back when it was known as the ‘Menstrual Cup’ and nobody knew what it did, it used to beg to get booked here,” said venue owner Nicki Shepard, gesturing downward. “I took a chance and gave it a monthly gig, and this is how it thanks me? It’s playing right into that cliché ‘diva’ role.”

The unexpected cancellation reportedly cost Shepard her favorite pair of underwear, even after a local group of backup sanitary napkins were enlisted to step in for the evening.

“It’s all for attention — the bigger vagina, the ‘no red M&M’s’ in the rider, all that shit,” said Shepard. “It only performs a couple days a month, and it’s always the same act. The Cup knows it’s only going to work for another four years or so before it’ll be unceremoniously tossed out and replaced.”


Last night’s incident is the latest of many in which the Diva Cup has been “a major pain to deal with,” despite manager Rosalie Frank’s claim that, when handled correctly, one shouldn’t even notice that it’s there at all.

“Listen, we were guaranteed a heavy flow. But when we arrived, we found a woman under 30 who hasn’t given birth vaginally,” Frank said on her client’s behalf. “What the hell is this, amateur hour? Neither me nor my client are about to waste our time with this Lightdays pantiliner bullshit.”

Despite the ordeal, early supporters of the Diva Cup stand by it.

“I don’t listen to gossip,” said feminist cultural critic Regina Nagle, who lauds the Diva Cup as the first accessible, easy-to-handle alternative to the “dangerous and environmentally devastating products of the mainstream, shame-based period culture.”

“Plus, calling a hardworking device that’s paid its dues a ‘Diva’ Cup simply because it’s unwilling to settle for less that what it knows it deserves?” she added. “What, are people gonna start calling it the ‘hysterical cup’ next?”

At press time, the Diva Cup allegedly refused to vacate the premises, forcing Shepard to thoroughly wash her hands before manually removing it herself.