Press "Enter" to skip to content

Depression and Anxiety Announce Co-Headlining Secret Show in Man’s Head

SEATTLE — Depression and anxiety unexpectedly announced a co-headlining secret show last night at the prefrontal cortex venue inside the brain of Matt Daytona, leading him to cancel plans to attend a punk show with friends at the last minute, despondent sources confirmed.

“I just couldn’t get myself out of bed,” Daytona said, lying on his couch with his cellphone squarely planted on his solar plexus. “I told my friends I didn’t feel well… but, to be honest, I was actually just up all night the night before, listening to my brain play the same tune over and over. It’s like a song that’s stuck in your head with lyrics like, ‘You’re never going to be good enough,’ and, ‘Your friends probably don’t like you anymore.’ It’s real tough, man.”

Friends of Daytona weren’t surprised when he cancelled plans last minute, as this type of behavior had unfortunately become routine in recent weeks.

“He’s been in his own head a lot recently,” concerned friend Tanner Dilbertson noted. “We totally understand and are here for him, though. Anxiety and depression can be absolutely brutal live. You can’t just turn them off or lower the volume when they get going — they play what they want, when they want, and you’re forced to be in that pit. That inner circle pit can be unrelentingly merciless, too.”

Daytona’s therapist has studied depression and anxiety performances his entire career.

“The Big Two, as I call them, typically go on in secrecy, unannounced, and at incredibly inconvenient times,” mental health professional Jillian Alterbrandt claimed. “They’ve been around for as long as I can remember, yet they don’t even have a fan base, despite how many appearances they make annually.”

“Think of your brain as an indoor music festival,” Alterbrandt continued. “Depression and anxiety would be like if only Nickleback and Creed played that festival, without warning, continually performing back-to-back sets, with seemingly no end in sight. I want to stay in bed just thinking about that.”

At press time, depression and anxiety announced a new split EP coming out when least expected, which will feature all-new, previously unreleased material.