WASHINGTON — Democratic leaders praised their own strategy of placing “gate” at the end of Trump-led Republican crimes in the effort for something, possibly anything, to happen, confirmed sources.
“I have to say, I’m pretty proud of ‘Signalgate’ as an insult,” shared Senator Chuck Schumer. “It’s become an internal triumph for us. A rallying cry of sorts. AOC gave me a fist bump when that one was coined. Gotta wonder how Republicans will ever recover from such a presidential diss. Such a sick burn. If someone put ‘gate’ at the end of one of my snafus, I’d consider retiring early. Or even just plumb ending it all. Now, how do you spell ‘tariffs’ again? I’m trying to write ‘tariffgate’ on this little sign here for his next speech, but I can never remember if it’s double-R or double-F.”
Democratic think tank advisor Matt Glendale shared skepticism at the efficacy of placing “gate” at the end of controversies.
“It used to be that adding a ‘gate’ suffix meant they were over, period, donezo. That’s all changed, glory days are gone,” Glendale shared while sipping wine from a water bottle on a National Mall bench. “I say, let’s bring the word back. Let’s make it scary and shameful again. It’s become a mockery, another glib buzzword thrown around. I’ve got a little strategy up my sleeve: I’ve been pushing to call this entire era ‘Trumpgate.’ You like that? Now I think that would turn some heads. Barongate, Melaniagate — off the dome. Fresh ideas. Giving them away for free, baby. I’ll be here all day. Literally, since I lost my job.”
Conservative analyst Marie Fitz-Lerond has openly mocked the strategy.
“Nixon was super popular, so it’s actually a compliment if you reference Watergate. If anything, it’s so quaint, so fangless,” said Fitz-Lerond while stubbing a cigarette out on an unhoused veteran. “Nixon actually had huge approval ratings when he was bullied out of office. The ‘silent majority’ would’ve followed him to the ends of the Earth. I know I would, the handsome devil. Anyway, Democrats have been using this feckless tactic for decades in lieu of doing any sort of actual opposition. Look no further than ‘9/11gate,’ ‘mission accomplishedgate,’ and ‘freedom friesgate.’”
At press time, Democratic leaders in the Capitol continued their soft, uphill resistance against Trump, smirkingly warning of a “recessiongate” and snarkily tittering about the continued unwarranted process of “deportationgate.”