SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local crustie Hank “Spew” Collins was shocked and appalled to discover the cocaine he’d been snorting all night and well into the next afternoon wasn’t laced with a single additive, reports confirmed.
“I got ripped off,” said Collins. “To think I panhandled and stole money to afford drugs, only to discover they weren’t cut with meth or even a common household cleaner, is honestly embarrassing. I knew something was off when I didn’t feel the intense urge to cover my windows with newspapers or accuse my friends of plotting to murder me. You have to be really careful about who you get your drugs from these days.”
Unlaced narcotics are causing noticeable apprehension in some drug-addled communities, but users maintain the trick to finding good drugs is to get them from someone you don’t know and don’t trust.
“My product is totally and completely impure, guaranteed,” said Chris Atkins, a small-time drug dealer for the lower Ogden area. “Scouts honor. If anyone says otherwise, they’re either lying or died immediately after buying drugs from me. If you’re looking for safe, reliable drugs, go to a hospital or Lollapalooza. When people snort or shoot my stuff, I want their first reaction to be, ‘Ow, was there glass in that?’”
Despite the stigma associated with hard drug use, experts say the availability of laced drugs and the demand for them are signs of an ailing society.
“Back in my day, if you wanted to see God, you had to chug a gallon of orange juice and use a pipette to mainline LSD straight into your eyeballs,” said Ruth Jett, recovering addict and founder of the sober living facility, Freedom House. “Now, you do one bump of coke at a Sabrina Carpenter concert, and ‘Espresso’ could be the last song you ever hear. Having to numb out on a budget so badly that death no longer scares you indicates a nationwide dissatisfaction with our standard of living, but the blame will likely be pinned on rap music or drag queens.”
During press time, Collins was seen beating the piss out of his drug dealer for selling him heroin that had no fentanyl in it.