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Crust Punk Comedian Wants to Know ‘The Deal With Dumpster Food’

NEW YORK — Up-and-coming crust punk comedian Gil “Ratboy” Johnson tried to entertain audiences last night at The Creek with nuanced takes on landlords, dating, and dumpster food, according to apathetic audience members.

“Seriously, what is the deal with dumpster food?” Johnson repeatedly asked. “It’s like, people just throw out all this good shit, you know? Sure, there’s some dirt, and maybe a couple bites gone… but nothing you won’t find in a restaurant. And yet, I’m ‘gross’ for eating it! Knock the shit off, and bon appétit, motherfucker!”

Unfortunately, the audience struggled to relate to Johnson’s seemingly out-of-control lifestyle.

“It was weird,” said audience member James Webb. “All of his jokes were punk takes on done-to-death bits. Like, how ‘crusties be squattin’, am I right?’ Or if we ever noticed how ‘hardcore kids danced like this, but crust punks danced like this.’ And when he bombed, he got pissed at us for not laughing — he said he was ‘too real’ for us.”

When his ask of “where his Leftöver Crack fans were” was met with devastating silence, the nascent comedian allegedly snapped.

“He spiked the microphone on the stage — which caused all this feedback — and called the audience ‘a bunch of fucking posers,’” said fellow comedian and host Carmine Flynn. “It was tough going up after him… that microphone smelled real bad once he was done.”

Reportedly, venue management was not amused by Johnson’s set and outburst.

“We tried to stop him from leaving after he broke that mic, but he was already gone by the time I grabbed security,” said promoter Calista Daniels. “I don’t think I’m gonna book anymore crust punk comics— as it is, we’re probably gonna have to fumigate the stage and green room. You’d think he’d have smelled better with all that fucking dental floss patchwork on his vest.”

At press time, Johnson was spotted with his head down and feet up in a dumpster, rehearsing his TV-ready “tight five” set on a family of confused rats.

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