FILLMORE, Minn. — Researchers confirmed today that crust punk James “Pyrofuck” Polinita is officially the first human completely immune to Chronic Wasting Disease — popularly referred to as the Zombie Deer Virus — despite a total lack of medical intervention.
“I was looking through what I thought was an Arby’s dumpster for a quick bite to eat… but it turned out it was some biohazard storage bin,” explained Polinita while lighting a trash can on fire. “I found a bunch of rotten-looking meat in there, but I just said, ‘Fuck it, I know what meat is good and what meat isn’t,’ and chowed down. While I was climbing out, some nerd stopped me and said I needed to go to the hospital immediately.”
“Now I’m stuck here while they charge my dick off… probably so they can tell me I was fine the whole time,” Polinita added. “Scumbags.”
Dr. Alice Mornik, the doctor who discovered that Polinita had somehow eaten and passed three pounds of infected deer meat with absolutely no side effects, offered a baffled response.
“I’ve never seen anything like this,” Mornik said. “The subject has contracted Zombie Deer Virus, Mad Cow disease, rabies, pneumonia, measles, lung cancer, dementia, the Bubonic plague, and a new form of AIDS that we didn’t even know existed yet… all within the past six months. It’s truly astonishing.”
Polinita insisted that nothing was wrong with him, while rummaging through the hospital late at night in an attempt to find more venison.
“That shit tastes good — didn’t do anything to me, either. I don’t see why they won’t let me get a little more,” Polinita rambled, flipping over a desk to try to find another scrap of infected deer meat. “When I came in, a big chunk of my arm kinda just fell off, and I think that’s why they’re locking me up in this hellhole. Probably gonna do tests on me.”
“Shit falls off arms all the time, man! That’s life!” Polinita added.
When questioned, a white-tailed deer admitted her disgust with Polinita.
“For the love of God, keep that fucking thing away from me,” the doe said. “I was trying to cross the street when that psycho ran up to my daughter and tried to bite her fucking leg off. We don’t want to get eaten alive… let alone get infected with whatever eldritch brand of disease that walking corpse is carrying.”
Photo by Kat Chish.