AKRON, Ohio — Attendees at Hamster Death Method’s latest concert felt overwhelmingly “whoo,” per an impromptu survey conducted by the band’s singer, confirmed sources.
“I asked how Akron was doing tonight, and they just said ‘whoo’ in unison,” singer Brett Keats recalled. “I couldn’t believe it, so I told them I couldn’t hear them. They shouted the same thing, only louder. I asked how they were doing because I really wanted to know, not just to make small talk, and they gave me platitudes all the same! Even when I tried to drop it and ask if they were ready to rock, they kept saying ‘whoo.’ God forbid a guy wants to connect with his fans. Not sure what’s come over Ohio, but remind me not to ask the locals any more questions.”
Attendees continued to self-report as “whoo” outside of their hive mind response.
“Hell yeah, I’m feeling ‘whoo’ if not a little ‘woohoo’ tonight!” attendee Jeff Walters confirmed between bites of a bacon-wrapped hot dog purchased outside the venue. “They asked how I’m feeling, and I made sure they heard me! You know what? I’m not just feeling whoo—I’m feeling wolf-whistle and I’m feeling ‘yeah!’ I’m out here to jam to my favorite tunes, and I got an $11 absolute steal on this tall boy of Liquid Death. What’s not to feel ‘whoo’ about?”
Experts suggest the overriding feeling of “whoo” goes beyond concert settings.
“It’s been a recurring trend for my patients,” therapist Michael Jutland explained. “Whenever I ask a young patient how they’re feeling, they give a half-hearted ‘whoop.’ If it’s a particularly good day, they might clap a little bit or stick their fingers in their mouth to whistle. I’ll be blunt: those aren’t emotions. That’s not how normal people express themselves. Even if ‘whoo’ is good, ignoring the nuance and depth of human emotion to force a brave cheer weakens your ability to actually express yourself. Be honest with how you feel; tell the singer that today’s been kind of rough. They’ll understand.”
At press time, a patient was heard asking Dr. Jutland for an encore speech about his emotional inaccessibility.