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Craigslist Ad Hints at How Much Couch Has Been Fucked On

BELLINGHAM, Wash. — A post to the popular classifieds website Craigslist advertising a couch for sale contained several barely-veiled references to the sofa’s rich sexual history, according to sources browsing local listings.

“This couch has seen a lot of love,” said the floral, wood trim sofa’s owner, identified only as “post id: 6799217213.” “If these springs could talk, you know what I mean? This couch always brings good luck to whoever calls it home.”

The anonymous seller, who described the couch as “…perfect for those late nights when you and a companion want to just put on ‘The X-Files’ and see what develops,” added that one time, they “…almost watched ‘The X-Files’ with two people at the same time, but a roommate came home. Oh, well. Maybe you can do better.”

Fortunately for potential buyers, the seller included close details about the couch itself within the 500-word description.

“A couple of the cushions have another good flip left in them, and the armrests are as sturdy as a pommel horse, so you can really get creative,” the post read. “Price is negotiable. Really, as long as you can come get it, you can have it. I haven’t even checked the cushions for change, so you might actually make a profit.”

Some readers were puzzled by the seller’s eagerness to part with the upholstered talisman, until the cause for urgency was revealed.

“The thing said something about really needing it gone by Monday because they were getting evicted… and then asked if anyone needed a roommate and a couch, followed by that winky-face emoji,” recalled Craigslist reader Shelby Montana. “I don’t care how ‘clean and respectful’ someone says they are — that still sounds creepy. No couch is worth that.”

The posting concluded with what many believe to be a passive-aggressive aside.

“People grow apart, sure. And I’d be the first to admit I’m not perfect,” the post continued. “But it takes a truly soulless person to straight-up ghost someone. Serious inquiries only.”