WINDSOR, Conn — Local terrible cousin Terry Reynolds made everyone uncomfortable at his family’s annual Memorial Day BBQ by loudly declaring that “Woke is dead!” And there were to be no political discussions at the event, all while proudly wearing a MAGA hat and replica ICE agent jacket, sources trying to avoid talking with the man confirmed.
“Literally nobody ever brings up politics except Terry,” said cool uncle Mike Reynolds, who has been in charge of burgers and dogs at the BBQ since 1993. “My niece Sharon and I were having a nice conversation about the little store that she runs, and then Terry just walked up, yelled ‘Illegals get the fuck out! America is so back!’ and posted up for a high five. Then he asked what YouTube videos we watch to get our news, I intentionally burned my hand with my spatula just to get away from him. But a few minutes later he overheard Sharon mention that her shop was being hit hard with the tariffs, and Terry just lost it.
Everyone’s least favorite family member treated the entire event like a victory lap.
“We won, and the snowflakes I share my DNA with can’t stop crying. It’s alright though, these burgers could use some more seasoning and I can use their liberal tears,” laughed the cousin who is currently driving on a suspended driver’s license for multiple DUIs. “Support the troops support our president, and fucking stand for that flag song. I don’t want to hear anyone going on about that woke nonsense. That’s politics. Telling me Beyonce is country now. Telling me I can’t sing all the Wu-Tang lyrics because ‘that’s not my word.’ And all the gay stuff. And for the record, I’m not using ‘gay’ in a derogatory sense. I mean literally talking about anything gay is politics.”
Maggie Filson, a family therapist and professor of psychology at UConn, explained why terrible family members are still typically invited to events.
“People are bored, and existence is pretty awful right now. Although it might seem like a bad idea to invite your family member who stormed the Capitol on January 6th, but something kind of magical happens when a Terry, or in my case, Aunt Ruth, shows up to an event,” said Filson. “Yes, they almost always ruin the vibe, but they also give the other attendees something that is deeply needed, especially amidst the ennui of the Anthropocene: a common enemy. Everyone hates the Terrys of the world, and nothing brings people together more than hate. It’s actually quite beautiful.”
At press time, members of the Reynolds family were able to briefly get rid of cousin Terry by setting him loose in the woods to find the Antifa base camp that was rumored to be out there.