WHEELING, W. Va. — Local conservative Jerry Wardmore repeatedly stated that Vice President Kamala Harris’ proposed ban on grocery price-gouging is “downright communist” despite complaining about the price of groceries on a daily basis for the last three years.
“She’s really showing what a dirty ‘socialist’ she is, meaning she supports full-on hippie communism,” Wardmore said while readjusting his ankle monitor. “I can’t believe half the country wants this woman to stop corporations from artificially inflating the prices of groceries. This is America–a company should be able to mark up the price of basic necessities by 700% if they damn well want to. And of course, no word from her about the fact that Crooked Joe Biden has been making us real Patriots pay three times what we used to at Giant Eagle. He sets the prices personally in red states as a form of discrimination against Christians.”
Wardmore’s Gen-Z niece, Eileen Wardmore, weighed in on her uncle’s obvious lack of awareness regarding the irony of these statements in tandem.
“I swear to god, Uncle Jerry literally would not understand that every part of what he just said is incorrect if I had Donald Trump personally explain it to him,” said an exasperated Ms. Wardmore. “I keep saying ‘Uncle Jerry, first of all, the President doesn’t set grocery prices, the companies do, and they’re literally just charging more for no reason to make their CEOs more money,’ and he just refuses to hear me. I wound up yelling ‘she’s proposing exactly what you are asking for’ and ‘you don’t know what communism is,’ and storming out of the house. I told my mom that if I have to see him again, I’ll be a medical risk for a coronary at age 23.”
Sam Seder, host of the progressive talk political talk show The Majority Report, weighed in on the phenomenon.
“I see this kind of thing all the time,” Seder said, his hair visibly graying by the second. “People who have been brainwashed by the right complain about an issue that genuinely affects most of America, but the second someone on the left suggests a viable solution, they’re labeled as Commies or whatever. You could literally plug Harris’ policy proposal into one of those voice AI things and have Trump ‘say’ it, and his followers would ask why the Liberal Elites and the Biden Administration haven’t thought of this. We live in hell.”
As of press time, Wardmore was on Facebook posting an AI-generated image of Kamala Harris’ face overlaid on a flag of Mao Zedong.